Tranquility

It's September 24th, 2021. I just finished doing my husband' assignment. It was supposed to do by him, but since he got so many assignments that were kinda hard to be counted by fingers, so a help from his wife will relieve him a bit. 

I have not seeing my husband since July, 2021 due to his study in SEKKAU (Sekolah Komando Kesatuan Angkatan Udara) in Jakarta. I miss my husband so much, but the definition of 'missing' him is not as simple as a physical touch. I miss him being here, being a father to our children. I am not a melancholic type of woman, but sometimes you know, being mature means managing your emotions in the right time, and in the right place. 

One day, Gio asked me why his father is not going home? Does his father love him? 

Never did I imagined that words would come out from a fourth year old kid. 

I responded him, firmly.

I stared at his eyes, and said: "Of course, your father love you all so much."

I hugged Gio. He almost cried, but I shed the tears away before it's truly falling.

Ello, my 1st born child, has deeper understanding  than his brother. He knows his father is studying so hard for us and we will be together as soon as possible.

Thank God, I know how to shift my focus to the other areas that keeps my head busy: school stuff, oriflame, kanahayagallery, household, and sometimes the responsibilities as Ibu PIA Ardhya Garini. 

If I don't know how to shift the focus and keep thinking the negative sides, I would be very frustrated.

It's been also a year and six months long we're all struggling to survive this pandemic. Many things are already changed. What we think it's taboo/inappropriate, now it's legal and it's common thing to do right now in the phase of pandemic, for instance: delayed childbearing.

We feel and we are in the same boat, what makes us different is the way we think and how to react to this kind of situation. 

I am not saying I am a strong woman, or pretend to be. I was in depression: witnessing many of us died because of Covid-19, reading news made me feel sick. I am so afraid of losing the ones I love. 

I miss my parents. It's been almost three years I haven't see my parents. But, thank to the technology and thank to God for creating men behind the technology, I still can hear my parents voices and their gestures via WA videos. 

The one and only thing that really helps to calm the storm in my head is by reading the bible, listening to the preaches which is delivered by Philip Mantofa, Rubin Adi Abraham, or others who can teach & translate the meaning of tranquility. Whenever I have been strengthen by their preach, that will be a momentum for me to do things, like: going out for exercise, shopping for foods or goods, and et cetera. 

This is the 1st phase in my life that I won't any distance anymore between me and people I love, between me and people I know. A new normal made me cannot see someone's smile, a new normal brings me a condition where I can't feel free to be surrounded by people I love, because there are some health protocol to do, this new normal make me wonder what kind of future we might face? Will it be better, or will it be worse?

 

Do I sound angry?

No. I am just saying what I think for this long. I keep holding it myself and now it's the time to spill it out by writing it down. 

I forgot that writing is healing. 

At least it always make me better, because I know an emotion (or many) has been successfully transferred and be well documented.

I think it's enough for the emotion. I have to go to hug my kids. My children must be already slept very tightly. I can see it form the way Ello is snoring, while Gio is bending his knees and making sleeping-tight gesture.

Maybe the things we love, faith in God that we are not alone, and the hope for a better future can be our immune booster to survive the pandemic.